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Sunday, October 20, 2013
Icon Noel Gallagher - The GQ interview
One Direction? You're kidding. Coldplay? No, seriously. Here holding forth on hot topics of our times, the high-flying half of Oasis' fractious fraternity is GQ's Icon Of The Year
On One Direction: "F***ing idiots. Bless 'em. Bless 'em, but f*** 'em at the same time."
On backstage riders: "I've seen seeds in Coldplay's dressing room. F***ing seeds! Where's the parrot?"
On radio promos: "Why have I got to be there at seven in the morning? Who's listening at f***ing seven in the morning? C***s, that's who's."
On the Brit Awards: "You can be sat at a table with a load of people from an insurance company. 'Where you from? Classical label?', 'No. AIG.' 'Well, what the f*** are you doing here?'"
Rock star, philosopher, multi-million-selling, Ivor Novello Award-winning songwriter - and slightly grumpy dad - Noel Gallagher is GQ's Icon Of The Year.
Danny: Noel. You're completely in charge. What's the first commandment in the Church of Gallagher? A rule we'd all have to live by?
Noel: [Long pause, thinking.] People shouldn't start work before 10 o'clock in the morning. People shouldn't work weekends unless they work in the service industry and they're getting paid double time. Thou Shalt Not Work Weekends. I don't like workaholics. Don't f***ing trust them. Why are they working? I don't trust busy c***s. That's how wars start: busy f***ers. If terrorism had a weekend off, eventually they'd have a year off. Eventually they'd go, "F*** this - blowing up shit? Football's on." Thou shalt not be arsed.
What would you ban?
I don't like litter. I like that Singapore thing. You know - you get caught dropping litter you get your head chopped off. I'd have a bin on every street corner. If you're going to buy a doughnut, eat the f***ing doughnut. Don't have a bite and then chuck it on the floor. Eat the f***ing doughnut.
Who would you ban?
The root of all that is bad in the world. All religious and political preachers.
Isn't your wife religious?
She has been known to attend church.
That's one of the first signs.
I've never seen her do it. But you know when you see these people standing on soapboxes banging on about religion or politics, or worse - when they're combining the f***ing two? Really? If you're thinking that anything written in a book 2,000 years old bears any relevance to anything these days...
What would be our Bible, then?
I only read factual books. I can't think of... I mean, novels are just a waste of f***ing time. I can't suspend belief in reality... I just end up thinking, 'This isn't f***ing true.' I like reading about things that have actually happened. I'm reading this book at the minute - The Kennedy Tapes. It's all about the Cold War, the Cuban Missile Crisis - I can get into that. Thinking, 'Wow, this actually f***ing happened, they came that close to blowing the world up!' But... what f***ing winds me up about books...
This is already the best sentence I've ever heard.
...is, like... my missus will come in with a book and it will be titled - and there's a lot of these, you can substitute any word, it's like a Rubik's Cube of shit titles - it'll be entitled The Incontinence Of Elephants. And I'll say "What's that book about?" And she'll say, "Oh it's about a girl and this load of f***ing nutters..." Right... so it's not about elephants, then? Why the f*** is it called The Incontinence Of Elephants? Another one: The Tales Of The Clumsy Beekeeper. What's that about? "Oh it's about the French Revolution." Right, f*** off. If you're writing a book about a child who's locked in a f***ing cupboard during the f***ing Second World War... he's never seen an elephant. Never mind a f***ing giraffe.
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