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Saturday, November 14, 2009
Jedward mania has given me a novel idea of how one could reunite Oasis - give the band a new name that's a combination of the Gallagher brothers' names.
Niam or Loel? Could that work?
The Jedward phenomena has passed me by a bit. All I know is if I was in a band, the name of which was a composite of the two members, I'd be cheesed off if I only got one letter and my brother had his whole name in.
Edward must be the more dominant twin - in fact, if they go solo he'll flourish while J will struggle to get a J-ob. I think maybe J was originally conjoined to Edward's nut-bag and was grown in a petri dish.
I have no evidence to back this theory - it's what we journalists call a hunch. Noel's "too good" girlfriend Sara is with Bizarre Lord Noel for all the right reasons.
Noel revealed to me that when the pair were viewing houses he was vexed by Sara's indifference to his work. He asked the estate agent for a property with a study for him to write music in.
"I've never seen you write any music?" said Sara. Baffled Noel responded: "You do accept that I do write music though?"
She retorted: "I've never seen you."
The exchange ended with the wrinkly Mancunian rocker dragging his gorgeous Scots bride down to Our Price to marvel at his back catalogue.
Oh well, at least she's not with him just because he's famous - it must be the eyebrows, which look suspiciously like they may have been trimmed of late.
The day after that was revealed I had an extraordinary encounter.
I like to go running on London's Hampstead Heath of a morning and am keen to maintain my trademark black clobber while I burn the calories in preparation for my next film Arthur, in which I'm inexplicably naked fifty per cent of the time.
I wear these tight black leggings when I run, which I like to think make me look like Spider-Man when he goes evil. But just might actually make me look a bit of a ponce.
Especially as they don't leave much to the ol' imagination - sex-organ-wise.
Imagine my horror, then, when on one of my morning sprints I heard: "All right big b*ll*cks", shouted by an approaching runner. The terror was compounded when close inspection revealed it to be Hampstead's rowdiest keep-fit fanatic Liam Gallagher.
Thankfully he was wearing the Exact same costume as me.
Who had the bigger package? Well we didn't stop to compare, but I left the encounter with a real spring in my step.
In other news:
Russell Brand has told the Telegraph his next projects would be producing a series of podcasts with friend Noel Gallagher which he promised would be a ''laugh and mucking around.''
Russell Brand Scandalous Live at the O2 DVD is in stores now.
Via L4e / Source: www.thesun.co.uk
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